The Mayonnaise War

Selfishness: an inability to see a situation from another point of view than our own

As told by Nick Harrison

Back when I was a new Christian, I used to brag that the divorce rate among active Christians was only one out of a thousand marriages.  Sadly, that argument bit the dust long ago.  In fact, as a bookseller and book reviewer, I am noticing more and more titles on marital problems among Christians.  After all, the vow was “for better or for worse,” and as I look back on my own marriage, I see how many pitfalls have come from mistaken expectations.

My wife thought she was marrying Ward Cleaver, and I assumed every new wife stepped out of a “Good Housekeeping” advertisement with a can of Pledge in one hand, the other hand busily stirring the stroganoff and a seal of approval on her forehead.  Surprise – we were both wrong.  I made that discovery the first night I opened the fridge to fix a sandwich.  “Hey, Honey…where’s the Best Foods mayonnaise?”  Silence.  And then, “Darling…I don’t use Best Foods, I use Kraft Miracle Whip.” Silence again. 

Over the next several days, we discovered she liked Crest; I brushed with whatever was on sale.  I like green olives; she hated them and would only eat black ones.  When I, shivering, turned up the furnace and the electric blanket, she was right behind me turning them down.  Remembering her childhood, she like to take Sunday afternoon drives – to which I would respond, “Yes, but that was then gas was twenty-nine cents a gallon.  Let’s watch an old movie instead.”

The worst discovery of all was that she was a morning person, popping out of bed like a piece of toast, while I awoke with pajamas nailed to the mattress.  “If God meant man to see the sunrise,” I explained, “he’d have scheduled it for much later in the day.”

The night we realized we both liked Ivory soap, we celebrated.  I guess that we discovered no disagreement is so small it can’t evolve into a major problem, and that two monologues do not equal a dialogue.  But most of all, we learned we no longer belonged to the separate universes we once did as singles.

Our task was not to forge a new universe, one in which we would inhabit together.  After all these years, I’m still a night person, and my wife is still a morning glory.  As for Ward Cleaver, she simply has to face it.  I’m probably always going to be more like the Beav.  And I’ve come to realize she’s more likely to step out of the pages of the “National Enquirer” than “Good Housekeeping.”

But we love each other – and as a result, she’s come to like grits for breakfast (or any other time), while I finally understand that the garbage does not take itself out.  We now have separate controls for the electric blanket.  I put on a sweater when I’m cold.  And the refrigerator, side by side like a pair of contented lovebirds, sits a jar of Best Foods mayonnaise and Kraft Miracle Whip. 

President Spencer W. Kimball identified selfishness as the basic element in relationship disorders, while communication, money, in-laws and similar concerns are merely outward symptoms of the more fundamental problem of self-centeredness.  One of the hardest things we do in marriage (or in a relationship) is to set aside our own feelings for a few minutes and listen to the feelings and thoughts of our spouse (or another person).

Notice in the picture below all of the different elements.  They each have their own purpose, form and constitution, and yet - they all come together to create something beautiful.  Something that will last over time.

Monterrey, CA

If we can let go of our expectations and our own needs for the moment and listen, reflect, reconsider, explain or take another look at our own behavior or point of view, then we are apt to be more successful.  Love, respect, patience and calmness can resolve most differences.  That is why the scriptures stress the condition of our hearts.  We must be willing to sacrifice the “I want” frequently for the betterment of our hearts and our relationship.