I Will Go, I Will Do

Being a mother is tough stuff!  There are many joys and there are many, many heartaches.  There is this constant feeling that you are not doing enough and are making more mistakes than strides.  Sigh.  It’s enough to break my heart. 

I have been weak this past week.  It’s been a hard week.  I rarely let on to others where my struggles are in any given moment.  I try to be constantly moving forward and upward.  But even that takes its toll. 

Almost one year ago, I decided that I needed to spend more time with my children.  I wasn’t exactly sure why, but I felt that I needed to be more present in their lives and that my own life needed a boost by being with my children.  Well, that decision certainly has been an amusement park ride!  There have been highs and lows and even lowers and some stall outs and some stops and some giggles.  Amidst it all I have NEVER questioned the inspiration I received to be at home more with my children.  NEVER.  I did wonder, however, if my choice for my career was as inspired (working from home).  I know that it is, but there are times, like this past week, where I begin to wonder. 

Deflated.  That would be the word that I felt this week.  I feel like I should be more, be doing more, be a better mother, network more, smile more, dance more, exercise more, clean more, write more, study more, cuddle more, and overall make life MORE uplifting, joyous and fun for my kids and family.  And guess what?  The only thing that really happened was I was MORE deflated.  Life with my kids seems to take away from my studies (my schoolwork).  Life with my schoolwork takes away from my kids and family.  All of this takes away from my writing.  My writing takes away from my housework and exercise.  All of this takes away from my overall happiness.  Sigh!!!  Things were so bad that my husband wondered if he should have come home from work to help me with the kids (as this is Spring Break week).  I mean, I was in a terrible place.  LOTS of tears were falling*. (luckily they were all mine…for now)

I realized that I have had the wonderful opportunity to see where I am going and see what I am meant, designed and created to be!  And yet, I am not quite there.  I am on the path, but my footsteps are timid at times. Trepid movements toward something more.  Sometimes I get scared.  Scared that I misunderstood the inspiration.  Scared that I am not really supposed to be so successful.  Scared that I am being selfish.  Scared that no one will care.  *it’s easy to see the DEFLATION process in effect here* 

And then I realize, “oh that cunning plan of the devil”…to tempt me with doubt!  Sometimes that is all he can do – tempt us to doubt ourselves.  He knows how magnificent we are to be.  He knows that we are already stronger because we are here!  So he leaves us doubting.  Are we good enough?  What if no one cares?  If you do this, then you’ll be less-than for your family, or your school work, or less of a person.  Well, to him I say, “you don’t even have a face! So…I’ll thank you to get outta mine.”  Okay, I don’t really say that, but isn’t that the truth?  He has none of what we have.  None of it.  Including a face!  He has no family.  No inspiration. Hope. Dreams.  Testimony.  Faith.  All he has is the worst job in the world… “to bring the children of God down to hell.”   Well, I will not let him take me.  I was given specific inspiration so that I would know what I am supposed to do for my family and for myself. I know that the pathway that I am on, while still CHALLENGING, is the right pathway.  If this is my knowledge, brought to me by the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, why then am I walking with timid steps towards what I know will be success?  Fear does settle in sometimes, but fear has no place where there is hope and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I know who I am.  I know God’s Plan.  I know that He has a plan for me and I was privileged to witness just a piece of it.  Therefore, I will go and do the things that the Lord has commanded me because I know the Lord gives no commandments except He shall prepare a way that they may be accomplished.  Boy, it is awesome when you can apply the scriptures to your life!

So, here I am.  Ready, willing and able to do better and to be more.  Not more than anyone else, but more than I am now because I know that I am blessed and was sent here to do many wonderful and great things!  Off I go!

*I should note that in that moment, described above, when I was in that “terrible” place, I could only eek out a very weak plea to my Father in Heaven to “help me”.  I was so low and so deflated that I didn’t even know what would help me.  But I testify that almost immediately after uttering my plea, I felt lifted up.  I felt just enough energy to get through the tasks for the day without much upset or tears.  I felt that if I kept moving I would be okay.  I did not have the energy or desire to do a single thing that morning, but I was able to do all the housework that I felt looming over my head for three days.  I was still weak and I still needed to work through some things and manage my time and tasks better, but in the very moment when I was at my lowest point and all my heart could do was plea to my Father in Heaven, HE WAS THERE!  I will never doubt his love for me.  He is ever present in my life, especially when I invite Him in.

A Stray Dog

On Sunday, my boys went for a bike ride around the block.  We thought it would be a good little jaunt for them to get their wiggles out since we just had an hour-and-a-half home teaching visit (another member of our church came over to visit with us and share an inspirational message).  So, off they went…3 handsome boys.  Of course, upon their return I noticed an additional member of the group.  A dog.  A stray dog.  My boys were all excited, “Mom, we found a dog and he likes us!”  I was attempting to get in a short nap, but that was not to happen.  So I got up and went to our garage and I thought I would see a small scrawny little stray that I could easily determine would not stay with us and the issue would be over.  Nope.  This dog was big, well-fed and adorable.  He enjoyed the attention, as well.  I was happy to see that my sons had already set out a bowl of water and dog food for him.  Soon, I learned that they had named him.  Roscoe.  He hadn’t been with us more than 20 minutes and the boys gave him a name.  Cute!

 Right away, I could tell he was definitely someone's dog.  He had no collar but he was very well-fed and well-behaved.  We later learned that he knew a few commands, like “sit” and “shake”.  Well, I told my sons that we had to do our “due diligence” and at least look for the owner.  They groaned, but complied.  My husband took him in his car with a couple of the boys and they drove him around the neighborhood asking people if they knew the dog or an owner who was missing their dog.  No takers.  The boys were happy. 

It should be noted that we have two other dogs (Sandy and Ringo).  They were born and raised right here on our property and so they get a little territorial.  So, we had to find a place for Roscoe to stay for the night. The garage had Roscoe’s name on it.  We chained the back door to the garage so Ringo and Sandy couldn’t open it and we propped open the garage door to give Roscoe fresh air.  I, of course, worried about the night and if he needed light.  Apparently, I was the only one who didn’t know dogs didn’t need light at night.  Good to know.  I prepared my boys for the possibility of needing to clean up a mess in the garage in the morning because I was 100% sure that I would not be doing it.  They all agreed. 

In the morning, my son went in to the garage from the inside (Family Room) to get his bike out to take to school.  There was Roscoe, happy as ever.  My other boys did the same thing in the morning and he gave them a tail-wagging hello.  I was nervous, of course, being home all day with a dog cooped up in the garage, but he was sweet and hardly barked.  I was growing a teensy bit attached to him. 

I made a simple flyer to post around the neighborhood and noted on it to "please call - my children are getting attached".  I told the boys that we would need to get him scanned for an identification microchip, just in case.  Again they groaned, but I said we have to help him go home if we can.  So, I called a nearby pet hospital, got the information and said we’d be down later in the evening.  When my husband got home from work, they did a dog swap.  They brought Sandy and Ringo into the Family Room and to the garage while at the same time moving Roscoe out of the garage and into the back yard.  We thought Roscoe would want to stretch his legs.  He did, but mostly wanted to empty his bladder.  Which he did.  For a really looooong time.  It was then that I knew that he was domesticated because he didn’t do any ‘business’ in the garage because to him that was considered ‘inside’, but once he was outside.  Well, let freedom ring is all I can say.  Eventually, of course, they took Roscoe into the Pet Hospital.  I could tell now that everyone was attached to him, including my husband who was going to pay for him to have a bath, and my 2 year-old daughter.  I think I remained the only realist. 

When they came home from the Pet Hospital the verdict was that he had no microchip.  They boys were happy.  So was my husband…kind of.  I told the boys that if we keep him, even for a couple of weeks until we find the owner, we have to try to acclimate him to our other dogs and that would require splitting the backyard in half and building a fence with chicken wire to keep them separate.  It would be a lot of work.  They didn’t care.  They wanted to keep Roscoe.  

They next morning, the same routine, only this time, the boys got up early to take him on a walk before school.  That’s a better incentive than scripture reading, apparently :)  Afterschool, I have never seen my kids ride home faster.  My 2^nd and 3^rd sons who are in the 8^th and 4^th grade get out of school before my oldest who is in high school, so they came home first.  They came in to say ‘hi’ to me and then asked if they could walk the dog.  I said ‘sure’ and gave them some reminders including how to pick up the dog’s ‘business’ if needed.  Although grossed out a little, they agreed and left.  5 minutes later they returned.  “What happened?” I asked.  Daniel, my 13 year old said, “The owner saw us and we gave her the dog.”  I was shocked.  I was also surprised that they didn’t have her come down to talk to me.  Then I heard my 10 year old come in, throw down the leash and start crying.  Aww, poor kid.  His heart was broken.  I did my best to comfort him, letting him know that I understand it is sad and that he really wanted to keep Roscoe.  I didn’t try to get him focused on anything else, I just let him grieve. 

15 minutes later, my older son arrived home.  He is 15.  I told him what had happened with Roscoe.  Tears formed in his eyes.  He lamented not being able to say goodbye.  Another broken heart. 

I sent a message to my husband to tell him what had happened.  I explained to him what my son had told me about the owner and what she had said.  Here is my husband’s response:

“Lady was probably a liar and a thief of the lowest caliber. We should've chipped him ourselves and then we could reclaim him from this tawdry woman's clutches.”

Now, I do not know why, but his response makes me laugh every time I read it.  He clearly was attached, as well.  Another heart impacted. 

So here we sit, without this stray dog that so seamlessly impacted our family.  The kids were happier, eager to get up in the morning and my husband even had a brightened perspective.  All because of a dog.  I wonder why that is.  How did a dog that we only had for 2 ½ days have such an impact on my family?  What was it that this dog offered them that made them such better off?  I am not a fan, necessarily of dogs, but this one I liked.  This one I would have kept.  Even I, the great “keep that dog over there” dictator, was willing to allow the dog into our family.  Why?

The answer is easy.  Unconditional love.  This dog did not know us from any other strange family on the streets it roamed.  But what it found were 3 regular kids, 1 adult-sized kid and 1 adorable little princess who fawned all over him.  In return, he wagged his tail, sat quietly by them as they lifted weights, allowed them to take him on walks, and drank from the bowl of water they had given him and he NEVER once growled at them, charged them or barked.  It was unconditional love that was freely given to all, including to Roscoe.  

This then, must be what it is like when we accept the unconditional love from others, including our Father in Heaven and when we give it to those around us.  It is a happier, tail-wagging existence.  To me, that is one of the great purposes of our life – to have joy and to be happy.  Seems like the recipe is clear.

Currently, the boys are working on a plan to save money to adopt a dog from the SPCA later this summer.  I’ll keep you posted!

ps: apparently his real name is Jake, but he will always be "Roscoe" to us

Love Begets Love

Today, I don't feel I have any wisdom left.  

I am the mother of 4 children.  3 are boys.  2 are teenagers.  1 is a toddler.  That should explain exactly how I am feeling...but, I'll explain anyway.

A little less than a year ago, I decided to quit the corporate world to stay home, spend more time with my kiddos and start my own business.  Along with those stellar decisions, I decided to start school for my Doctorate degree and I signed on to be the PTA President at my children's school.  If you have ever seen the statue of Atlas, you have a good idea of how I feel Mondays through Sundays.  

I love my children beyond description.  I would take a bullet for them.  But, they wear me out! Believe it or not, I have actually had to answer the question of, "Where is the milk?"  That particular child was standing next to the refrigerator.  He couldn't seem to find it on the shelf (as in the countertop).  I looked at him confused for a moment and then walked to the refrigerator and opened the door and pointed to the milk and said, "I decided to keep it in this giant white box in the kitchen for a while to give the shelf a rest."  He chuckled.  Another common interaction is in my house: "Mom, can I go outside to play?"  "Are your chores done?"  "Not all the way." *Mom's head falls and hits the desk in amazement and wonders if these kids are actually UN-learning at school* Mom says, "Well, the rule is your chores need to be completed 100% before you go outside to play."  Child's response, "Since when?"  *Mom's head falls back onto the desk and ponders hiring a nanny*

Imagine my days that start at 5:30am where I wake up my son by 5:45am for Seminary (early morning Bible study at church).  We leave at 6:15am to pick up another student and then drive to the church where class begins at 6:30am.  I sit in the truck outside so I can then drive my son to school when Seminary ends.  Meanwhile, my husband is at home with the 3 other kids.  The baby sleeps until 7:30 so his job is to wake up the two other boys, read some scriptures with them and then get them on their way out the door.  I usually spend my time in the truck sending my husband a "Reminder" text message of all the things the boys need to put in their backpacks, or do at school, etc.  Then, I read my textbook for my class while waiting for my son to come out from Seminary.  At 7:10am, he is out the door (10 minutes earlier than the class ends) and we drive 2 miles to school.  He takes his bike off the bike rack and we bid adieu.  

By now, I have received a message from my husband telling me what time my sons have left the house on their bikes.  So, I drive a route from the high school to the middle school so I can see the boys each morning.  I don't get to give them hugs, but I stop and give them a quick "I love you" and "Be kind" before they are pedaling off to school.  When I arrive home, my daughter is most likely just waking up.  Her mood is usually good, but if she is crabby, some milk quickly changes that.  Then 10 minutes later, my husband is out the door for work and it is just me and my daughter.  For the next hour I try to get bits and pieces of rest as she watches Curious George and we cuddle in my bed.  About every 5 minutes she will jump on me or call out, "Mommy" just to see if I am paying attention.  After 45 minutes of trying to rest, I find myself actually getting irritated at the process and so I jump up and go make my daughter some breakfast.  From there it is dishes, laundry, cleaning the kitchen or picking up her room, making the bed and cleaning up all of her spills and finally - 2 hours later, getting her dressed.  

At 11am, 4 days a week, I take her across the street to my aunt's house.  It is the only way I can ever get any homework done.  So, when I come home, my mind races with my options for the 2 1/2 - 3 hours I have until the kids come home.  Will it be rest? Laundry? PTA business? Homework? Visit the husband for lunch? Phone calls? Vacuuming? Mopping? Take a shower?  I usually try to get most of those in during that very short 2 hour window and invariably, I feel like I didn't accomplish much of anything.  

Then the boys start to arrive home.  2:45pm.  Then 3:30pm.  My boys are now all home.  I have taken the time to write out all of their chores for the day.  I spend time talking to each one about their day. I make sure they have a healthy snack and 15 mintues of freedom and relax time before they must start their homework.  Then I put them in different rooms of the house to do their homework so they don't distract one another.  By 4:15pm, it's time for my daughter to come home from across the street.  Once she gets home, she is like glue to me.  If I am out of the room, she is looking for me.  By 4:45pm, my husband is on his way home and about 5pm he pulls in the driveway.  

We have a nice large house with lots of rooms and space and that can be both positive and a teensy negative.  Imagine trying to corral lots of balloons into a small area in a large room.  Isn't possible.  That is what it is like when we are all home.  Sometimes I am very surprised that there are only the 4 kids!  It feels like so many more.  

We stay pretty busy.  Mondays we do Family Home Evenings, Tuesdays the older boys have scouts, Wednesday my younger son has Scouts, Thursdays the older boys work (yard work for a neighbor lady), Fridays is the youth sports night and sleepovers, Saturday is our 'Saturday's Warrior' day where we do yard work and a house project and then get lots of outside time, and then Sunday - a day of REST!  

Now, in all of this, I try to fold in my homework which is 2 chapters a week from my textbooks and 3 assignments a week (2 writing and 1 Study Activity).  Also, there are at least 10-15 emails related to PTA issues and concerns, papers to read and sign for school or scouts, checks to write for scouting activites, birthday gifts to purchase for friends, bills to coordinate and pay, and working with the boys on their scouting merit badges, plus the ever present glue to my side that is about 3 feet tall.  

On top of all of this, I am supposed to be in a good and loving mood.  Well, the news flash is that I am not.  I get worn out.  I get tired.  Usually by Thursday morning I am so tired I could commit a crime to get some sleep.  I don't go to bed until 12:30am or 1am and I get up at 5:30am and so it catches up to me.  Oh, and I forgot to mention, I'm old!  *haha*  So, as I try to navigate all of these needs and requirements, I find that I NEVER take time to replenish myself.  I give and give until I am empty.  Now we would never do that to our cars and yet we do it to ourselves over and over again.  Who can run on EMPTY!??


Well for the past couple of days I decided that I am going to respond to my children with "nothing but love".  Guess what?  It's EXHAUSTING!  Kids take and take and take.  They have NO CLUE that I am trying to do better and be better - they just keep going the same way they were before.  Except...I did notice one thing.  I noticed that, although my reserves were taxed, they were HAPPIER.  They smiled more.  They fought less.  They engaged with one another more.   

So, I guess, in reality, they did notice...and they responded by being more loving and more like an eternal family with each other.  If I look at it that way, then I guess it is all worth it.  I mean if I had to choose between my children actually being and feeling happy versus me having less "tasks" to do, I would choose my children's happiness everytime.  

So, I guess I learned something after all.  Love begets love.  Good to know.

Easter 2012

    

The Mayonnaise War

Selfishness: an inability to see a situation from another point of view than our own

As told by Nick Harrison

Back when I was a new Christian, I used to brag that the divorce rate among active Christians was only one out of a thousand marriages.  Sadly, that argument bit the dust long ago.  In fact, as a bookseller and book reviewer, I am noticing more and more titles on marital problems among Christians.  After all, the vow was “for better or for worse,” and as I look back on my own marriage, I see how many pitfalls have come from mistaken expectations.

My wife thought she was marrying Ward Cleaver, and I assumed every new wife stepped out of a “Good Housekeeping” advertisement with a can of Pledge in one hand, the other hand busily stirring the stroganoff and a seal of approval on her forehead.  Surprise – we were both wrong.  I made that discovery the first night I opened the fridge to fix a sandwich.  “Hey, Honey…where’s the Best Foods mayonnaise?”  Silence.  And then, “Darling…I don’t use Best Foods, I use Kraft Miracle Whip.” Silence again. 

Over the next several days, we discovered she liked Crest; I brushed with whatever was on sale.  I like green olives; she hated them and would only eat black ones.  When I, shivering, turned up the furnace and the electric blanket, she was right behind me turning them down.  Remembering her childhood, she like to take Sunday afternoon drives – to which I would respond, “Yes, but that was then gas was twenty-nine cents a gallon.  Let’s watch an old movie instead.”

The worst discovery of all was that she was a morning person, popping out of bed like a piece of toast, while I awoke with pajamas nailed to the mattress.  “If God meant man to see the sunrise,” I explained, “he’d have scheduled it for much later in the day.”

The night we realized we both liked Ivory soap, we celebrated.  I guess that we discovered no disagreement is so small it can’t evolve into a major problem, and that two monologues do not equal a dialogue.  But most of all, we learned we no longer belonged to the separate universes we once did as singles.

Our task was not to forge a new universe, one in which we would inhabit together.  After all these years, I’m still a night person, and my wife is still a morning glory.  As for Ward Cleaver, she simply has to face it.  I’m probably always going to be more like the Beav.  And I’ve come to realize she’s more likely to step out of the pages of the “National Enquirer” than “Good Housekeeping.”

But we love each other – and as a result, she’s come to like grits for breakfast (or any other time), while I finally understand that the garbage does not take itself out.  We now have separate controls for the electric blanket.  I put on a sweater when I’m cold.  And the refrigerator, side by side like a pair of contented lovebirds, sits a jar of Best Foods mayonnaise and Kraft Miracle Whip. 

President Spencer W. Kimball identified selfishness as the basic element in relationship disorders, while communication, money, in-laws and similar concerns are merely outward symptoms of the more fundamental problem of self-centeredness.  One of the hardest things we do in marriage (or in a relationship) is to set aside our own feelings for a few minutes and listen to the feelings and thoughts of our spouse (or another person).

Notice in the picture below all of the different elements.  They each have their own purpose, form and constitution, and yet - they all come together to create something beautiful.  Something that will last over time.

Monterrey, CA

If we can let go of our expectations and our own needs for the moment and listen, reflect, reconsider, explain or take another look at our own behavior or point of view, then we are apt to be more successful.  Love, respect, patience and calmness can resolve most differences.  That is why the scriptures stress the condition of our hearts.  We must be willing to sacrifice the “I want” frequently for the betterment of our hearts and our relationship.