Confiscated!

In a large house, with 4 kids, we simply have a lot of stuff and lots of space and lots of chaos.  Because of this, I try to set up some organizational boundaries around the house.  One of them deals with what happens when the boys leave their stuff (toys, clothing, sports equipment, etc) out overnight.  

Below is the contract that I drafted to ensure that we were all on the same page.

 

Confiscated!

Rule:

If you leave ANY of your items out in the living room or family room or kitchen or front bathroom (common living areas) – overnight or once you have left the house for the day (AM), then the items have the potential to be confiscated.

Reason:

It is imperative that you learn to be a person who is not a slob.  A person who knows how to respect other people’s living space, as well as your own.  A person who knows how to take care of his own possessions.  A person who does not rely on other’s to clean up after you.  One day, you will each be living on your own and you will be responsible for all of the mess, so learn now how to pick up after yourself.  Do NOT leave your clothes in the middle of the floor for other people to trip on, walk over, or pick up.

Consequence:

Once it is confiscated, you will need to do a chore to earn back each item (shoes and gloves count as one item).  There is no negotiation here.  YOU must learn to take care of your items …not expect others to not follow through on the consequence. 

Signatures:

By signing below, I UNDERSTAND the “Rules”, “Reason” and “Consequences” of Confiscation.  Also, I agree to the terms and conditions described.

Parents

____________________________

Children

_______________________     

As you can imagine, I confiscated a lot of items and therefore, need to have a lot of “chores” on the ready for my boys to complete to earn back their items.  Some sample chores include:

·         Putting away the extra groceries

·         Wiping down door knobs and light switches

·         Vacuuming the hallway

·         Wiping down the handrail to the stairs

·         Cleaning out the truck

·         Picking up all the trash in the front and/or backyard

·         Picking up their sister’s toys and putting them away

·         Wiping down toilets, vanities or mirrors

·         Cleaning ceiling fan blades

·         Cleaning out the refrigerator

·         Sweeping the driveway and sidewalks

Also, I will only keep the items for 2 weeks (although I originally considered only 1 week).  After 2 weeks, all the items not earned back are donated to Deseret Industries.  However, there are some items that I have confiscated that were expensive (like cleats) or were paid for by grandma.  Those items I keep and the boys then enter into a sort of “forced” position of earning it back.  Of course, these items come with a little lecture on taking care of their possessions, especially ones that others have paid good money for them to have. 

It’s not easy being a parent.  You have to be creative and patient.  But above all, you have to be able to see the bigger picture.  Keeping your eye on the fact that you building stronger and more capable children – and one day, adults – is the only way to get through all of the juggling and organized chaos that is family life. 

The Grinch that Stole Christmas

The GRINCH was here...*insert Grinchy laugh*

One day in Relief Society (a meeting at church for the ladies), a sister told of a story she had read of how a family had had their Christmas stolen by the Grinch.  As soon as I heard of this story, I knew, this is what I needed to do for my boys. 

Several weeks leading up to Christmas, I had been feeling like my children’s perspective was all about “me – me – me”.  They didn’t seem to grasp very well the need to serve others, to be grateful for what they had or to recognize that all things come from our Father in Heaven.  So, I decided that the Grinch would steal their Christmas. 

I discussed it with my husband and he was on board right away.  We agreed that in lieu of their presents, they would be taking goodie bags to the homeless (as was recommended in the article shared at church). 

On the night of Christmas Eve, the tree was beautiful and had been decorated mostly by the children.  My husband had put up beautiful lights around the living room and had wrapped all of the larger picture frames hanging on each of the side walls.  The room was quite festive.  There were a few presents under tree which intrigued the children and tempted their patience for waiting.  We had our traditional celebration at my mom’s house with Christmas stockings and hot chocolate.  Then we returned home and had a simple meal, read a special story and then open up one present.  The scene was set.  The boys were told to not come down until 8am.  Since their rooms are upstairs, we do have the capability of locking the door that leads from the stairs to the family room …and we did.

After we were sure the kids had fallen asleep, my husband went to work of taking down all of the decorations, lights included, and the wrapped picture frames, took the star off of the tree, unplugged the lights, took the stockings from the wall and took the presents from the tree.  He took them all over to my mom’s house (who lives across the street).  I had been in the office working on my homework and when I finally emerged from the office to see if I could help with anything, I walked into the living room and felt the instant drabness of the room without festive lightings and decorations.  The Christmas spirit was not in that room.  It would definitely have an impact upon the boys, I hoped. 

While making final preparations for the goodie bags, my husband made the transition from “bags” to actual Christmas stockings.  What a wonderful idea and it looked so much more festive!

On Christmas morning, at 8am, I heard the boys knocking on the locked door.  They were singing “Jingle Bells”.  It was cute.  I had to keep my heart in check because even though I hate disappointing them, I knew they needed this experience.  With a heavy sigh, unsure of what was to happen, I opened the door to let them in the living room. 

To my surprise, they had their blankets over their faces and asked me to lead them into the room.  Their excitement was palpable and they were in really good moods.  I led them into the room and they made their way to the couches.  I stood at the back of the living room and my husband sat in his chair.  My youngest son, removed his blanket and his first question was, “Why are there no presents?”  This prompted my other son to remove his blanket and wonder the same.  My husband then said, “Yes, why are there no presents?  And why are there no decorations?”  They then proceeded to look around the room.  My young son, who still believes in Santa, had his mouth agape, unable to articulate what he was thinking or seeing.  My older son, finally removed his blanket and laughed – because that is what he does when he is nervously upset. 

They soon saw the 6 Christmas stockings beneath the tree and a small envelope that simply read “Maybury Boys”.  Daniel shouted, “Scavenger Hunt” and jumped up to read it.  Clearly he thought it was a game. 

Here is the letter that was left for them:

To The Maybury Boys -

I have stolen your Christmas.  All of your presents and stockings are mine. 

I have noticed that despite some good Christmas spirit, you’ve been helping me out by focusing a bit too much on what you can get, rather than what you can give.  I have noticed that you fight a lot with one another, you are competitive, you argue with your parents, you seem to only care about FUN and GAMES, you don’t like to hug, you frown much more than you smile, you lie and you steal, you leave your things out for other people to pick up for you, you don’t take care of your possessions, and you forget to say ‘thank you’. 

All of these things are the opposite of the Christmas spirit.  Your life is not perfect, but it is blessed.  You have a bed.  You have a change of clothes.  You have hot water.  You have a toilet to use whenever you want.  You have bikes.  You have food.  You have lots of family around you.  But you seem to focus too much on what you DON’T have and what others can give to YOU. 

So now, instead of the Christmas you thought you were getting, you get the chance to see what life is like for those who WISH they had all the things that you take for granted.

So get dressed.  You are going to be elves today and do something for someone else.  Because for them, today there will be no tree, no presents, no warm dinner, no new clothes, no Fifa, NBA or Madden.  Just another cold winter day.

Try to keep your perspective and remember; you get out only what you put in.

The Grinch

 

 ps: Maybe, if I can feel the true Christmas spirit is alive in your hearts, I’ll return your presents.  It’s up to you.

My son Daniel, who thought this was a game, looked up from the letter only once.  At the line that said, “So now, instead of the Christmas you thought you were getting…”.  I got a nice glare from him at that point.  But soon they were off to get dressed, as their chauffer would shortly arrive. 

At 8:15am, their chauffer (a family friend with whom I had pre-arranged this adventure), knocked on the door.  The boys had received their instructions to each hand out two stockings to people that they felt were in need.  They left in good spirits. 

For the next hour, James and I worked to bring Christmas back to our house.  We brought back the decorations, the lights, the star on the tree and the presents.  By now, my daughter (age 3) had woken up and she was an eager helper. 

When the boys arrived home, they were different.  They were happier.  Lighter.  The first thing my son Daniel said to me was, “Mom, I had a great time and I don’t even care about my presents anymore.”  My younger son echoed the same, although he was concerned about Santa.  My older son was plagued with dealing with being rejected by someone when he tried to hand out his last stocking.  He couldn’t understand it.  But he was able to find a woman who was very accepting and appreciative. 

All in all, while this was an experiment that had potential for tears and upset, I am proud of my boys for participating and for allowing it to impact them.  I hope we do not have to repeat this experiment again except I know that we will make goodie bags for the homeless every year. 

I hope that my boys always remember the year the Grinch stole their Christmas!

My happy elves sitting in front of their Christmas that was returned by the Grinch

 

This was our second Christmas day celebration with more family.

Inspections and Teaching Accountability

This experience happened this summer and is taken from my journal writings for that day/week. 

All the boys were grounded today (Saturday) until they passed inspection, which includes the entire upstairs (where all 3 live) which has a study area, a kitchen, a bathroom and 2 bedrooms.  The inspections are very specific and they have a list that they use to know how to clean these spaces.  Inspections generally happen once a month.  The boy’s weekly chores include cleaning their rooms on Friday's but the inspections include additional deeper cleaning like dusting their shelves, scrubbing the toilet and sink, preparing a box for giveaway items and all the items in their dressers and closets need to be folded or placed properly and neatly.  Inspection happens precisely at 10am.  Once I begin the check-off process, one of two things happen, they get the list of things that need to be done better and they are allowed one more chance to complete it correctly.  Or second, if it is clear that they did not work in that area, they earn an additional area of cleaning inside the house.  The consequence for missing inspection (by not being ready) or for not passing is severe.  They get weekly inspections for a month. 

While checking off their work, I encountered some negative attitudes from my sons.  It is always hard to know how to handle these attitudes so this time, I tried something new.  As the boys started to get negative, I told them that all negativity and complaining would be dealt with swiftly and severely. They egged me on a bit (joking around) and I simply wrote their initial on the paper on the clipboard and said, "you get a checkmark". Their negative outburst to that earned them another. Every single outburst or negative response (like yelling or an uncontrolled response) earned them a checkmark. My youngest son learned the quickest and received only 3. The oldest took a while and earned 16. My second son earned a bit more with 22. But they learned to control those unfiltered responses, holding their breath and their comments, KNOWING that it would get them NOTHING that they wanted.

After inspection, it was time to "pay up" (or work off the negative points). They were quite fearful of what they had to do. I simply listed the other small projects around the house that needed to be done and said how many points they were worth (wipe all the door knobs = 3 points, wash off the sidewalk from chalk = 2 points, clean out the wasp trap = 5 points, etc). The first one to accept the task got the job. For the two older ones, I auctioned off 8 points for running up and down the street in an effort to show the a PROPER WAY to handle extra energy.

My older son was eager to finish the run so he would be done with his debt.  My second son was upset at having to run.  He continued to try to negotiate out of having to run.  I told him that I understood it was hard.  I told him that I know he might not want to do it.  I reminded him of the addage that his father shares with him constantly that "you get to choose the behavior, but you don't choose the consequence" and in this instance, the debt was to be paid with a run.  I also shared with him that being older and wiser than he is, I know that this task was necessary because of the value it held.  Looking at me quizzically, I continued, sharing with him that this will teach him a) the proper way to handle his extra energy, b) how to gear up and put his feet forward to do a task even though he doesn’t want to (because he will have to confront these feelings for the rest of his life in his job, school, mission and even when dealing with his kids), c) that you can't always take back your choices when you see the final bill and d) I want him to feel that joy of working and sweating and finishing/accomplishing something that was difficult because it is THAT feeling that you remember and will compel you to greater things in life.  No successful person was ever successful by doing nothing.  

As he started off on his run, I watched at the edge of the driveway hoping that he wouldn’t stop.  He didn’t.  He ran to the end of street and then turned around and ran back.  He is usually a sprinter and so having to run a longer distance took some mental energy for him, as well.  The total time for his run was about 5-6 minutes, so not that long, but he was calmer when he returned.  He was sweating and there were no more outbursts.  

By now, all the boys were calmer and they sat on the front porch talking with one another in a positive manner.  I took this time to give them a pep-talk and some kudos for their work.  Then, they were able to enjoy some structured free-time.  Something they had been wanting to do since 10am!

One of the main reasons why I hold inspections and ultimately gave them checkmarks today and asked them to work them off was to teach them some life skills about consequences and accountability. It was hard work (for all of us) but it paid off considerably. The boys learned that they, in fact, are responsible to control their outburts and unnecessary comments, they can do things that appear unpleasant at first, and they actually have a pretty good life – because today was an example of what it COULD be like.

Tonight, 3 boys fell asleep before their heads hit the pillows.  

Daniel and Zander

Joshua

Back to School - Integrity

In preparing to send my boys back to school, I make lots of preparations.  I think most parents do.  We buy them clothes, shoes, backpacks and school supplies.  But, I wonder how often we prepare their spirits.  For those of us who send our kids to public school, we realize that they are in the mix of many, many, many influences.  Some are positive and others, are not.  So, I have been making some specific preparations to be influential to my boys, even when I am not there.  Since I have two boys who are in high school now, the desire to prepare them spiritually and give them good influences is a constant effort.  

I love this saying that my mother used to tell me all the time.  Now, she tells it to my children and I find myself telling my children this over and over and over.  So, I am printing this sign.  One larger print will hang upstairs in the bathroom that the boys use and maybe on the door that leads to the stairs.  I also printed smaller versions (4x7) so they can put in their planner for school or in the back of a binder.  The hope is that they will see it in passing so many times that it will become a little mantra constantly running or streaming in the back of their mind.  

Given all of the things that ARE running in their mind, its good to try to fold in some of these helpful, positive and motivation messages.  

This, my dear rising generation of warriors, is called INTEGRITY.

The practice of INTEGRITY will take you from ordinary to EXTRAordinary!