A New Set of Results

It has been 23 days since James received the official diagnosis that the tumor on his kidney is cancer.  That time has felt like an eternity, in some respects.  Waiting is hard.  In that time, he has felt pain on some days, and on other days he has felt good.  He has lost a few more pounds, but also enjoyed an appetite for almost a week.  We felt a sense of relief after talking to the doctor and developing a plan of attack.  Somehow, having a plan just feels better.  There is still anxiety, of course, but being able to circle the date on the calendar for the “fix-it day” is helpful and hopeful.

Last week, James completed another set of tests.  He had an EKG done, a full-panel of blood work, and a chest x-ray.  The results came back this week.  He is in fairly good health.  That is great!  A lifetime of never ingesting things like tobacco and alcohol have certainly been helpful with that. 

Low White Blood Cells (WBC)

His WBC count was low.  A low white blood cell count is a decrease in disease-fighting cells circulating in the blood.   One of the reasons for a low WBC count is cancer or other diseases that damage bone marrow.  The presence of cancer, of course, is most likely the reason for his low count. 

Pulmonary Metastasis

His chest x-ray revealed an opaque nodule on his left lung.  The opacity refers to it being a solid mass and not fluid-like or gaseous.   The indication of a metastasis is that the cancer from the kidney has traveled to the lungs.  It means that it has traveled, at least in some regard, through the blood stream or lymphatic system.  The typical treatment for this is surgery and chemotherapy.  The doctor has ordered an additional chest x-ray and that will be completed next Wednesday. 

Regardless of these two new test results, surgery for March 9^th is still a go and he will have the partial nephrectomy (removal of part of his kidney and the tumor) completed. 

Admittedly, this new news of the nodule on his lung is disheartening.  James and I still have not really taken it all in, but I can tell you it felt like a punch in the gut.  We have a lot going on right now in our house and my biggest wish is that the world could stop for 24 hours.  I want things to stop.  I want time to just sit with my husband and think, feel and talk.   But, we can’t.  We have 4 kids who all need our help.  Help with homework, chores, tears, events, scouting, planning, relationships, and life.  James still has to go to work and try to be successful there.  I still have my internship field work that requires far more time than I would like.  I hate to say it, but it is hard to think about feeding the kids, getting them to school, getting the laundry done, living, etc, while all the while all I want to do is just sit with my husband and worry about the very big things that we are facing. 

Last night, my overwhelm hit its height and I couldn’t take in anything more.  I had people calling me, asking questions, needing things and I simply felt myself start to tear at the edges.  I have one family member who is in the hospital now with a bevy of issues.  It's a worry, but hopefully those are being remedied.  I have another family member who is having relationship difficulties.  They are calling me asking for help.  They feel that they are in a dire situation.  I want to help.  They needed someone to talk to.  So, I talked with them for a short while, but I could feel more rips and tears at my edges and seams.  It felt like pressure...rattling...shaking.  Sigh.  It’s not the people who have needs that I cannot handle right now, its simply the essence of being needed.  I simply cannot do anything more for anyone else.  My husband and kids.  That’s it.  That’s my short list of people I can serve.  And even then, the loudest kid is getting taken off the list *haha*

“What do you need?”  That is such a TOUGH question to answer.  My mind is so fuzzy and overwhelmed, I simply do not know.  It almost feels like I don't understand the words.  I feel stuck in a blank stare when even trying to contemplate what I need or what my family needs.  I usually compartmentalize pretty well, but in so doing, I don’t attend to my own needs.  Part of my assignments in my Practicum coursework have been to participate in Mindfulness training.   This is much like meditation.  It has been a saving grace for me on a couple of occasions.  Yesterday, in all its tumult, was one such occasion. 

So, what do I need?  What do we need? 

I need my truck to be fixed so we have 2 cars again.  What’s the problem?  No one knows.  It’s at the mechanics getting tested. 

I need my kids to have places to go so they are not all in the house. 

I need my daughter to have a place to go while I do my field work on a few days while my aunt is in the hospital.

I need there to be 2 more hours in each day.

I need to know that all will be well.

I need to have time to feel.

I need to be able to tell people “no”

I need my teenagers to not be teenagers for just a week *haha*

I need to get out of the house with my husband

I need to find a way to shake-off these difficulties

I need to celebrate life

While sitting here writing out my thoughts and feelings, my husband sent me this quote.  It instantly brought tears to my eyes, and his. 

In all things, including in suffering, I must remember that I am not alone and that I believe in a Lord and Savior and that He provides comfort at all times. As I was walking yesterday, I was listening to a song on my phone and I looked up at the huge beautiful blue sky and I could feel His love, His power, His capability and I simply said, "Please take over."  I realized that my part just might have been the hardest...handing it over.  

I simply need to find a way to invite peace into the hiccups of life.  I need to Lighten Up! …it’s only raining© Lighten Up!

Thank you all for your prayers.  We accept them and appreciate them.