This experience happened this summer and is
taken from my journal writings for that day/week.
All the boys were grounded today (Saturday) until they
passed inspection, which includes the entire upstairs (where all 3 live) which
has a study area, a kitchen, a bathroom and 2 bedrooms. The inspections are very specific and they
have a list that they use to know how to clean these spaces. Inspections generally happen once a month. The boy’s weekly chores include cleaning
their rooms on Friday's but the inspections include additional deeper cleaning
like dusting their shelves, scrubbing the toilet and sink, preparing a box for
giveaway items and all the items in their dressers and closets need to be
folded or placed properly and neatly.
Inspection happens precisely at 10am.
Once I begin the check-off process, one of two things happen, they get the list
of things that need to be done better and they are allowed one more chance to complete
it correctly. Or second, if it is clear
that they did not work in that area, they earn an additional area of cleaning inside the house. The consequence for missing inspection (by
not being ready) or for not passing is severe.
They get weekly inspections for a month.
While checking off their work, I
encountered some negative attitudes from my sons. It is always hard to know how to handle these
attitudes so this time, I tried something new.
As
the boys started to get negative, I told them that all negativity and
complaining would be dealt with swiftly and severely. They egged me on a bit
(joking around) and I simply wrote their initial on the paper on the clipboard and
said, "you get a checkmark". Their negative outburst to that earned
them another. Every single outburst or negative response (like yelling or an
uncontrolled response) earned them a checkmark. My youngest son learned the
quickest and received only 3. The oldest took a while and earned 16. My second
son earned a bit more with 22. But they learned to control those unfiltered
responses, holding their breath and their comments, KNOWING that it would get
them NOTHING that they wanted.
After
inspection, it was time to "pay up" (or work off the negative points).
They were quite fearful of what they had to do. I simply listed the other small
projects around the house that needed to be done and said how many points they
were worth (wipe all the door knobs = 3 points, wash off the sidewalk from
chalk = 2 points, clean out the wasp trap = 5 points, etc). The first one to
accept the task got the job. For the two older ones, I auctioned off 8 points
for running up and down the street in an effort to show the a PROPER WAY to
handle extra energy.
My
older son was eager to finish the run so he would be done with his debt. My second son was upset at having to
run. He continued to try to negotiate
out of having to run. I told him that I understood
it was hard. I told him that I know he
might not want to do it. I reminded him of the addage that his father shares with him constantly that "you get to choose the behavior, but you don't choose the consequence" and in this instance, the debt was to be paid with a run. I also shared with him
that being older and wiser than he is, I know that this task was necessary because of the value it held. Looking at
me quizzically, I continued, sharing with him that this will teach him a) the
proper way to handle his extra energy, b) how to gear up and put his feet
forward to do a task even though he doesn’t want to (because he will have to
confront these feelings for the rest of his life in his job, school, mission
and even when dealing with his kids), c) that you can't always take back your choices when you see the final bill and d) I want him to feel that joy of
working and sweating and finishing/accomplishing something that was difficult because it is THAT
feeling that you remember and will compel you to greater things in life. No successful person was ever successful by doing nothing.
As
he started off on his run, I watched at the edge of the driveway hoping that he
wouldn’t stop. He didn’t. He ran to the end of street and then turned
around and ran back. He is usually a sprinter and so having to run a longer distance took some mental energy for him, as well. The total time for his run was
about 5-6 minutes, so not that long, but he was calmer when he returned. He was sweating and there were no more outbursts.
By now, all the boys were calmer and they sat on the front porch talking with one another in a positive manner. I took this time to give them a pep-talk and some kudos for their work. Then, they were able to enjoy some structured free-time. Something they had been wanting to do since 10am!
By now, all the boys were calmer and they sat on the front porch talking with one another in a positive manner. I took this time to give them a pep-talk and some kudos for their work. Then, they were able to enjoy some structured free-time. Something they had been wanting to do since 10am!
One of the main reasons why I hold
inspections and ultimately gave them checkmarks today and asked them to work them off was to
teach them some life skills about consequences and accountability. It was hard
work (for all of us) but it paid off considerably. The boys learned that they,
in fact, are responsible to control their outburts and unnecessary comments,
they can do things that appear unpleasant at first, and they actually have a
pretty good life – because today was an example of what it COULD be like.
Tonight, 3 boys fell asleep before their
heads hit the pillows.
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| Daniel and Zander |
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| Joshua |
