Happy Mother's Day!

Celebrating an Imperfect Mother

This weekend is a time to stop and reflect and truly thank our mothers and those ladies who have influenced our lives in a motherly or nurturing way.  It is a time to take a moment for ourselves and give gratitude for the blessings that we enjoy in our life regardless of circumstance. 

As a mother of 4 children, I find that I am always questioning myself and my efforts.  I rarely feel that my efforts are “good enough”.  I honestly set out each day to be the best mother I can be, but invariably the weight of life or its circumstances sets in and my humanness leaps forward and I lose my patience or I consequence the wrong behavior or I simply just lose that nurturing characteristic that I try to have at all times. 

Sigh.

I often wonder if dads ever assess their behavior and interactions with their children to the degree that we, as mothers do.  I often wonder who they compare themselves to.  Sometimes, when I watch my husband or other fathers, I wonder …do you even care about what your child thinks of you?  Well, the answer is always a resounding, “Of course I care.”  Followed up by a quick, "Why?  What did they say about me?"  But there is something different in how fathers assess themselves and their abilities than mothers do.  As mothers, I believe, we set our expectations so high because it is what we believe we should do – for that perfect little baby or child who has entered our life.  We set it so high that we are assured that if we keep those standards, they will never be disappointed, never feel pain and never feel, for a moment, that they weren’t loved. 

And yet, our children can and do feel those things.  Not because we are horrible, but because we cannot be perfect on all levels.  Not only is it improbable, but it is unreasonable.  We can and should aspire to be good mothers, loving mothers, selfless mothers.  We can and should be a good example to our children.  We should model for them how to respond in situations of crisis, defeat and distress, as well as how to respond with graciousness and gratitude.  However, of all of these things, the best thing you can do for your child is to know who they are to become…and then raise them up to that potential.  Draw for your child a portrait of a life that is full – full of love and happiness and giving and receiving and sharing and trying and nurturing and laughing and singing.  Share with them the pitfalls that may entrap them and how to avoid them.  But most of all, draw for your child a vision of how great they are and how great they can become.  Paint for them this portrait of your love so that when they are lost or scared or wondering, they have something to look to that may draw them back to you.  Empower your child, and yourself, by discarding the qualifiers for perfection and by casting aside your fears of pain and disappointment, as these will become pitfalls and barriers to your ability to be the kind of mother (and parent) that you wish to be.

Pain is a given.  Disappointment is a given.  Empowerment is a choice.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of us imperfect mothers! 

Portrait of My Love

A Portrait of My Love

There could never be, a portrait of my love.

For nobody could paint a dream.

You will never see a portrait of my love

For miracles are never seen.

Anyone who sees her, soon forgets the Mona Lisa

It would take I know, a Michaelangelo

And he would need the glow of dawn that paints the sky above

To try and paint a portrait of my love.

This song was, in many respects, our wedding song.  James played the guitar while a family friend sang it.  The song is one that touched my soul from the first time that I heard it.   I love both the words and I love the beautiful music that accompanies it.  When my husband played this song for me at our wedding (reception), I felt honored to be married to such a wonderful man.

The words of this song cause me to think about our constant efforts to define "love".  We try to put it into the context of gifts, acts of kindness or love, intimacy, or written words on the inside of cards and letters.  But none of these are sufficient to describe, or paint, what "love" actually is or looks like. 

That seems to be such an eternal question, asked by all human beings, "Do you love me?" followed by, "How do I know?"  I have asked that question repeatedly of my husband, mother and father.  I have wondered how my Father in Heaven loves me, do my children love me and how can I know?

I have spent many years trying to find the answer to this question, an answer that would be strong enough to satisfy what feels like a deep quest at times.  How do you know someone loves you?

For me, the answer lies in two simple factors.  How they view you and how they treat you.  My husband has taught me a great deal about this level of love.  His actions and words demonstrate this eternal love for me.  He views me, not as I am, but as I can become.  This elevated level of love causes him to look past my human weaknesses and focus on the daughter of God that I am and all of the potential that I have.  He chooses to uplift me to that potential.  His words and his actions uplift me, but more so, he mirrors back to me the way that I should view myself.  I have been hard on myself throughout my life, but his love has demonstrated that I am a worthwhile daughter of God who is loved simply and only for that reason. 

This reverberates back to how he treats me.  My husband treats me as a daughter of God, as a mother of not only his children, but as a mother of children of God.  He treats me in a manner that teaches me to respect myself and to love myself for my own divine nature.  A simple and yet profound action on my husband’s part was to teach all three of our sons to always let ladies enter the doorway first.  To this day, all of my sons, step to the side and allow me to pass into the house first.  In this instance, mere words may not have been strong enough to convey to our children the importance of the action.  My children witnessed him acting in this way and they followed his example.  My husband has always demonstrated his love for me by being a gentleman - even when no one was looking. 

Through all of this, I can say that I am loved.  I am loved simply because I am a daughter of God.  I am loved simply because I am his wife.  I am loved simply because I am their mother.  Yes, I am loved.

…and I love them right back.   

That is eternal love. That is the portrait of my love.